Self awareness

Self- Awareness
conflict comfort level
Hello everyone. In this video, we will be discussing self–awareness. When I say self-awareness, I mean
your understanding of how you would react to a particular situation at any given moment, especially
when facing conflict. No one truly knows this information about yourself but you! Thus, it is very
important to be able to identify how you judge conflict, the emotions you feel when encountering one,
and how to take hold of your personality to yield the most desirable outcome when trying to solve the
conflict. But, you must keep in mind that not all conflicts we face generate the same responses from us.
And what’s more, is that every person will likely have a different reaction when asked to examine and
deal with the same conflict. In other words, one problem may cause you only slight discomfort, while it
may elicit intense discomfort in another person. This does not mean that the emotions being felt by
either party are wrong or right. Neither does it mean that one person is stronger in the face of conflict
than another. It simply means that because each one of us as an individual has a different personality,
upbringing, culture, and past experiences; the level of discomfort we may feel when encountering
conflict will surely vary among each other. Think of potential levels of discomfort like your car
speedometer. A speedometer is printed with numbers from 0mph to 100mph, and as you press down
further and further on the gas pedal, the speed of your car begins to increase. Think of the car gauge as
the different levels of discomfort, and the gas pedal as your different responses to those levels of
discomfort. For example, if your response to a particular conflict is really intense, this means your foot is
slammed on the gas pedal, and thus your level of discomfort or your speedometer is increasing really
fast. And if your response to a particular conflict is mild, this means your foot is lightly pressed on the
gas, and thus your level of discomfort or your speedometer is only slightly increasing. What’s most
important for us to realize is that we all carry the same car speedometer, BUT EACH ONE OF US controls
their own gas pedal. This is why it is so important to truly be self- aware. You must understand what
triggers your foot to hit that gas pedal or release it. Or in other words, you must be highly attuned to
your thought process, emotions, levels of discomfort, judgements, and biases. Because if you are not
conscious to the way you feel or act about certain things, this could lead you to misjudge, stereotype,
and discriminate against situations and people. Being self-aware will ultimately help you to avoid an
overreaction while still taking care of your needs. So, let’s put your self – awareness to the test. I will
present to you a conflict scenarios. As you listen, I want you to think carefully about your initial level of
discomfort, emotions, judgement, and potential response while listening. Grab a paper and pencil to jot
down your overall perspective on the conflicts at hand, and don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself
about how you would feel and act when faced with such a situation, and what advice you might give.
Lara has been going through a rough time after her boyfriend Dany broke up with her. Lara’s friends
knew she’s been miserable and they've been pretty good about supporting her with it by coming over to
visit her and encouraging her to vent. Lara’s friend Fadi came over the most and they talked about all
sorts of things. A few days ago, Fadi asked Lara for relationship advice. He said things weren't going well
with his girlfriend and he'd been wondering if it means they should break up. When he told her that,
Lara felt really angry. She has been feeling miserable dealing with her break-up, and she wouldn't want
anyone else to feel the same way. Lara started to feel angry at Fadi the same way she felt angry at Dany.
So, she began to blame Fadi for the problems in his relationship, rather than listen to him. This

experience with Fadi has made Lara feel like men are always the problem in any relationship. She
doesn't want her problems to make other people miserable, and Fadi is one of her best friends, but
things have been hard for her, and she doesn’t know what to do or how to deal with giving advice to her
friend Fadi.
So, after listening to this conflict scenario, how do you feel? What levels of discomfort were elicited in
you when listening? What emotions did you notice yourself feeling when listening to the problem? Did
you feel unbothered at times? Or did you feel moments of rage? Were you quick to judge the situation?
Or were you able to see more than one angle in each issue? Would you handle the conflicts at hand the
way Lara did? Or would you take a different approach? If you can answer all of these questions without
hesitation, then you’ve probably got a great grasp on yourself and your self – awareness. And if you
can’t, that’s okay! If you felt a burst of emotions, and were bombarded with many different feelings,
thoughts, and critiques; this only means that you are now becoming conscious of how self-aware you
really are. Being self – aware isn’t a skill that you can learn overnight, so don’t feel discouraged if it takes
you some time to get there. What’s more important is to realize that to become fully self – aware, we
must first get to know ourselves, and we’ll explain this idea of “knowing yourself” in our next video, so
stay tuned!
Knowing yourself
Hello everyone! In today’s video, we will continue discussing self – awareness by exploring how well you
think you know yourself. Upon first hearing the question “Do you know yourself?”, many of you may
chuckle and think to yourself “well of course, it’s me! How could I not?”. However, most people view
this question in quite a superficial manner. When I say “knowing yourself”, I mean do you know what
triggers your emotions? Can you identify and express exactly what emotions you’re feeling at any given
moment without struggle? Do you know what escalates and de-escalates your reactions? Are you aware
of your perceptions and biases? Can you recognize how you respond to others while being sensitive to
their attitudes, emotions and feelings, and achieve this without trying to interpret them in terms of your
own personal perceptions? Even though most people believe they are self- aware, the truth is that the
majority of them don’t have a deep understanding of their answers to the aforementioned questions
because no matter what age or stage in life we reach, no one can honestly say they have definite
answers to these questions when reflecting upon themselves. The good thing is that as humans, it is in
our nature to push ourselves towards discovering our identities, and understanding who we are, and
this process in itself is lifelong. When we think about our own identities, the first question that arises is
how is knowing ourselves associated with conflict. Well, the answer is quite simple. When a part of a
person's identity is challenged or threatened, they often respond by re-enforcing their allegiance to that
part of their identity. Thus, knowing who you are and what informs your perceptions helps you to
understand why you get upset or stressed during certain conflicts, and to figure out how to calm down

and address the issue appropriately. But being self-aware doesn’t mean we should only be perceptive of
ourselves, but we should also be perceptive of how others in our surrounding environment perceive us!
A scientific study conducted at Harvard University showed that self-awareness can be divided into two
main categories. The first, which was dubbed internal self-awareness, represents how people see their
values, passions, aspirations, fit with their environment, reactions (including thoughts, feelings,
behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses), and impact on others. The second category, external self-
awareness, means understanding how other people view you, in terms of those same factors listed
above. And research has shown that people who know how others see them are more skilled at showing
empathy and taking others’ perspectives. This study conducted further divided self-awareness into four
different archetypes: Introspects, aware, Seekers, and pleasers. These four archetypes basically plot how
well you know yourself against how well you understand how others see you.
So now, we know that self-awareness is an invaluable skill to have in our lives, but what does it look
like? How does one practice self-awareness? To help form a clearer image, take this for instance.
Monique is having relationship problems with her boyfriend, Luis. She thinks Luis takes her for granted
and doesn’t tell her he loves her or shares affection enough. They fight about this frequently. Suddenly,
she realizes that she may be contributing to the problem. She looks inward and sees that she doesn’t
show Luis appreciation very often, overlooking the nice things he does around the house for her and the

little physical touches that show his affection. Monique considers her thought processes when Luis
misses an opportunity to make her feel loved and notices that she assumes he purposely avoids doing
things that she likes. She spends time thinking and talking with Luis about how they want to show and
receive love, and they begin to work on improving their relationship. Without self-awareness, Monique
would have continued in an unsatisfying relationship or broken things off. But using her ability to stop,
and analyze both her internal and external self-awareness allowed her to find a fruitful solution to her
conflict with Luis. Now let’s shift from Monica’s practice of self–awareness, and let’s think about our
own. I want you to think of a time when you have had part of your identity challenged. It could be a
recent event or something that happened in your past, but I want you to think about an experience that
stands out to you the most. What happened in that situation? How did you respond? In retrospect, did
your perceptions match the whole story? How do you think the other party perceived you in that
situation? Now, I want you to think about a time when you were in a heated conflict. An experience
where your emotions were running high, your level of discomfort was through the roof, and you felt
threatened. How self-aware were you during that heated situation? Thinking about it now, do you recall
checking in with yourself during that situation to see if you were being realistic and fair? When thinking
back to such situations, you might be pleasantly surprised with your answers, or a little disappointed.
Either way, both are okay, because as we previously said, fostering our self–awareness and reaching the
state of truly knowing yourself is a lifelong process. However, there are some tips to help you build and
practice your self-awareness by making time to reflect, journaling, and asking your loved ones for
feedback. you need to talk to a variety of people to get a comprehensive view of yourself. Getting
someone else to give you their critiques may highlight things that never would have come to your mind,
and can also help you confirm your thoughts about yourself. When you dedicated some of your time,
and you’re consistent in practicing to get to know yourself better you will undoubtedly see positive
results in the way in which you can read the context of a conflict, the people involved, and the
emotional strategies you will utilize to respond. Tune into our next segment where we will discuss
emotion regulation strategies in depth.